Because I really need a laugh today. . .

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are just missing.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Out of my mind… Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning Medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

If you mated a Bulldog and a Shitzu would it be called Bullshit?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs? A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

Some people are like Slinkies – Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.