Saturday, April 19, 2008

Meme Redux

This one is going around again on email. You put an X for each item you've done, then answer the questions below.

() Gone on a blind date

(X) Skipped school

(X) Watched someone die

() Been to Canada

() Been to Mexico

(X) Been to Florida

(X) Been on a plane

(X) Been lost

(?) Been on the opposite side of the country — what’s opposite? I live in the middle!

(X) Swam in the ocean

(X) Cried yourself to sleep

() Played cops and robbers

() Recently colored with crayons

(X) Sang Karaoke

(X) Paid for a meal with coins only?

(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?

(X) Made prank phone calls

(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose

(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue

(X) Danced in the rain

(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus

() Been kissed under the mistletoe

() Watched the sunrise with someone you cared about

(X) Blown bubbles

(X) Gone ice-skating

(X) Been skinny dipping outdoors

(X) Gone to the movies by yourself

1. Any nickname? None you can say in polite company.
2. Mother's name? Elishka
3. Favorite drink? Diet Pepsi
4. Tattoo? None
5. Body piercings: Just the ears
6. How much do you love your job? Which one?
7. Birthplace? Iowa, the state of perfect nothingness.
8. Favorite vacation spot? England
9. Ever been to Africa? No
10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? Probably
11. Ever been on TV? Yes
12. Ever steal any traffic signs? Who wants to know?
13. Ever been in a car accident? Yes
14. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4 door
15. Favorite salad dressing? Bleu Cheese
16. Favorite pie? Apple
17. Favorite number? none
18. Favorite movie? Not just one, and too many to enumerate
19. Favorite holiday? Christmas
20. Favorite dessert? Hot chocolate fudge brownie sundae
21. Favorite food? Vegetable Samosas
22. Favorite day of the week? Any day I can sleep in.
23. Favorite brand of body wash? If it smells good, I’m all for it.
24. Favorite toothpaste? If it tastes good, I use it.
25. Favorite smell? Celery – it’s so fresh!
26. What do you do to relax? Knit, read, play mindless computer games.
27. How do you see yourself in 10 Years? Sox2 (same old same old)
28. Farthest Place you will send this message? Cyberspace has no bounds.
29. Who will respond to this the fastest? Doesn’t matter.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Freakin' Monday (Redux)!

Once again, Monday has come like a ton of bricks just when I was feeling like I could finally relax.  What a pile of merde this weekend turned out to be!  I was tired all day Saturday, went out with “the girls” on Saturday night and found myself stuffed into a tiny booth with 4 other people at a crowded restaurant, then we squeezed around a tiny table at the Funny Bone.  Nice company, but uncomfortable surroundings.


Yesterday, I did laundry, struggled through a knitting design (lots of ripping and swearing), and did some reading.  I didn’t even get out of my pyjamas!  There just wasn’t enough weekend in my weekend.  I was too tired through it all.


I watched a bit of the first Godfather film on television on Sunday.  More and more, I realize it’s a modern-day Shakespearean tragedy.  I wouldn’t say that of the book, actually, because the book reads a lot like “true crime” pulp, but the film is masterful in how it highlights the interpersonal relationships and how each person’s personality contributes to his/her downfall.


I also watched most of The Da Vinci Code film late last night (something to accompany the knitting that was finally working out).  I found myself wondering whether we’d have had a film at all if the last scion had turned out to be a crabby menopausal drama queen who was an obese lesbian.  All of which is to say that such speculation is obviously fiction if the object of the obsession can only be a skinny, smart woman who knows how to handle a gun.  Frankly, I don’t care whether Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married or not.  It doesn’t matter to me or my faith in the least.  But I do strongly believe that everyone who made themselves upset over the book and/or the film deserved their angst.  Sheesh!  It’s fiction, people!  It’s an heroic tale!  It’s not real life!


This is real life:  You’re middle class and struggling financially; you’re middle-aged and overweight in a world that worships the young and thin and brainless; you spend your weekend on no greater adventure than getting the laundry done.  They can’t even make “reality TV” that real because no one would watch it.


Thursday, April 03, 2008

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Jim,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?


Susie Fox


Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.