Thursday, August 21, 2008

Buzz, Zoe, and the Snake

This tale was sent to me by a friend, Buzz, who has just moved into a lovely house in the country.  He has a dog, Zoë, who is a boxer.  His neighbor and good friend is Dan.


I had a little adventure last night that I thought that all of you might find amusing. :-)

Well, there I was…  at the house burning some cardboard boxes.  I noticed that Dan had purchased a new planter.  I went over to check it out.  In the process I saw a snake near the planter.  Of course I did what any big strong man would do…I jumped back in fear…literally.  No, there was no screaming…this time.

At first I thought it was the same snake that I threw over the bank this weekend.  It was a garter snake that got caught in the erosion mats and died.  So, I got pissed off at the dogs for dragging this snake back up the hill.  Zoe (the boxer) was standing next to me watching this whole display of manhood.  Needless to say, she was not impressed.

So, I grabbed the hoe…no not, Ho…hoe.  I thought I would get rid of this nasty thing again.  I asked Zoe if she had done this and she told me, no.  As I tried to grab the snake, it started to slither all over the place.  Again, I did what any strong man would do…yes, I jumped back.  That is when I figured out that this was a new snake caught in the erosion mat with the plastic mesh caught around its mid section and its head.  Its head was under the mat and I could not look my foe directly in the eye.  When I am locked in mortal combat, I like to look my foe in the eye…that’s how I roll.  :-)

Anyway, I realized that this snake was going to die and I realized that if Dan saw this snake, he might die too.  I didn’t want to lose my best friend.  So, I figured since the snake was going to die a slow death, I would expedite his departure from this world.  That is when I went whack whack with the hoe right where his head went under the mat.  I figured that I would give my worthy opponent a chance to take his last breath in peace.  I went back to the burn barrel and threw another couple boxes on the fire.

When I came back, I tried to free his little carcass from the erosion mat.  Guess what, he started to slither all over again.  Yes, you guessed it…I jumped back once more.  Needless to say, Zoe was still not impressed with this whole scene.  I told her to stay back and she looked at me like…I’m not getting near you, the hoe, or the snake…duh!

Once more, whack whack whack went the hoe and more boxes went onto the fire.  I was sure that took care of my problem.  I freed the snake and when I dropped his lifeless body on the ground, he took off like a shot down the hill.  This time I was whacking wildly and chasing a snake down a steep embankment.  He had deep indentions in his body.  There was no way this snake could have survived this onslaught.  I would have been dead from all the beatings.  Zoe knew enough to stand back and avoid sudden death.  Furthermore, my dog was the smartest animal in this whole situation.

Once again, I picked up the snake.  His body draped over the head of the hoe.  I finally had the opportunity to look my fellow combatant directly in the eye and then…his little tongue flicked all over the place.  I threw him to the ground and once more, whack whack whack.  This time he was dead.  I took his battered body and threw him over the bank where we never go.  He lies near his little buddy that met an early demise earlier this week.  I believe two dead snakes over the bank constitutes a snake burial ground.

3 Foot Wild Garter Snake = Free

Simple Garden Hoe = $22.99 + tax

Boxer Dog = $400

200+ pound man getting the workout of his life versus a 12 ounce snake = priceless.

Oh, forgot to mention the fact that Dan was at work while this WWF grudge match took place.  When I told him the story of the snake that would not die, he did what any big strong man would do…no, he did not jump back…he said, “Eeeeuuuuwwwww, ” and shuttered in disgust.


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