Fifty Reasons

Every now and then I find a nice piece of writing among my stuff. This was one I wrote for my friend and massage therapist extraordinaire Jim upon the occasion of his 50th birthday. I had a present for him, I had it wrapped, and I couldn't find it, so I wrote this list for him. (I found the gift before the party — it was in the trunk of my car! — but I read the list to him anyway.)


Fifty Reasons
Why I Don’t Have the Birthday Present I’d Gotten for You

The dog ate it.

The dog buried it.

I put it away where it belonged, but I have no idea where that is.

Two words: Alien Kleptomaniacs

The tooth fairy came by and, failing to find any teeth under the pillow, she took your present.

We’re using it to prop up one corner of the house.

Santa’s reindeer needed a last-minute snack.

Homeland Security flushed it down a toilet.

I think we used it on those door-to-door evangelists (you know – to beat them senseless).

Colonel Sanders thought it contained his secret recipe, so he sent his spies to get it when we weren’t looking.

Someone said that if you throw it just right it will come back to you. I tried that but it hasn’t come back yet. Maybe it’s taking the scenic route.

It spontaneously burst into flame when I put it next to a Stephen King novel.

Um…. check my blog. It might be there.

The National Enquirer offered me $100,000 for it, but I refused. Then they took it from me anyway.

It’s with all of odd socks and gloves that get sucked up in the washing machine.

Angelina Jolie adopted it.

Paris Hilton took it with her to make her jail time pass smoothly.

I think it got sealed in with my in-laws’ ashes. I’ll let you know where you can go and visit it.

Cap’n Jack Sparrow said it was part of his treasure, so he confiscated it. (Hey, I was at knife-point, man!)

It might be in the Ronald Reagan National Library, but I don’t exactly recall where.

I needed it to patch a flat tire.

We were bench-pressing it at the gym and things got a little out of hand.

OK, you know how someone says, “When you wish upon a star…”? Well I wished I knew where it was, but nothing has come of it. Must be the wrong star.

The cats used it in protest of a dirty litter box.

I’ve found it to be really good for massaging that funny little space under my butt – but then it broke.

See that burger on your plate? I’ll bet that’s it. I don’t care if Ed is saying that it’s lamb. I know better.

I still haven’t had that rendezvous with Deep Throat. I’ll get it then. Probably later this week. It’s a little unpredictable.

My mom has been using it to clean her dentures. It’s kind of ragged right now.

The cleaners lost it.

Martha Stewart said it wasn’t wrapped properly. She’s making the paper for it right now, and then she’s growing the flowers that will adorn the top of the box.

I think it’s in the mail.

Maybe we packed it up with some of Ed’s mom’s stuff.

I can’t tell you – it’s covered by the National Secrets Act.

AARP is lobbying against it.

The ACLU is lobbying for it.

The Supreme Court isn’t in session yet.

What present?

It was good karma but bad dogma.

The priest had to bless it. Then it got soaked with holy water. The incense didn’t do it any good either.

It checked into rehab.

It has a 12-step meeting tonight.

Um…. I haven’t checked with its parole officer lately, so maybe that’s not a good sign.

It’s getting Botox injections. It’ll be good when the swelling goes down.

The paparazzi chased it into a tunnel in Paris. No one has seen it since, although there is a popular theory of a mafia hit and cover-up.

If you just fill out all of the proper forms and show your Medicare certificate, I’m sure we can get right on it.

Are you sure it’s your birthday today? I’m just sayin’ . . .

Harry Potter’s owl flew off with it.

I think I cleaned the house so well that I can’t find it. Which just goes to show it’s no use cleaning house.

Maybe it’s in the closet.

Look, when I’m done with it, I’ll send it to you, OK?

Nobody Wins in This Battle

Here's a news items from USAToday:

Priests come to blows inside Church of the Nativity

Greek Orthodox and Armenian priests had a rumble today inside Bethlehem's Church of the Nativity, in a dispute over how to clean the church after Christmas
celebrations.

AFP says the priests came to blows -- and in some cases even attacked each other with broomsticks and iron rods -- after the Greeks allegedly started cleaning a part of the church controlled by the Armenians. The church, built on the site where Christians believe Jesus was born, is shared by various branches of Christianity -- each of which controls a slice of the building.

(and here's my favorite part . . .)

Palestinian police had to be called in to break up the battle, and two of them were among the seven people reportedly hurt.

That's right, folks: Muslims had to stop the Christians from fighting over who owns Jesus.

In honor of those who finished their Christmas cards . . .

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk asks, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "Lord help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptist."

Ice on Saturday Morning

Women's Remote Control

In honor of my "coming out" tomorrow . . .

Hampshire Constabulary Advertise on City Bus

This was sent to me by Roger in the U.K. Apparently the Hampshire police didn't take into account the positioning of the tailpipe on the bus.

Countdown

Well, I completely blew off any ideas of cleaning this weekend prior to going in for surgery on Wednesday. I spent most of Saturday with my mom, and then I slept on Sunday afternoon (after church and prior to taking my sister Mary to dinner). Also, I went to bed last night at 10:30 p.m., but I'm still tired today.

I wanted to clean out the laundry room. I wanted to clean up the bedroom. I wanted to get all of the laundry done and put away. I wanted the bedroom cleared out of crap so that I could come home from the hospital and just rest without having to worry about what might be underfoot if I got up from bed to use the bathroom.

*sigh*

Wednesday can't quite come soon enough for me. I really want this done. I want to be in the recovery part. I'm not looking forward to waking up with pain and grogginess and all of the rest of the crap that comes from having an operation. And I'm not looking forward to all of the last-minute requests for things to get done before I'm gone.

I have Jim B. (massage therapist extraordinaire) scheduled to come on Tuesday evening to give me a massage. I'm having lunch on Tuesday with some friends.

Whatever. I'm tired. I'd rather be in bed!

Another Meme

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:00

2. Diamonds or pearls? I can't have both????

3. What was the last film you saw at the movies? I think the last one we saw was Stardust, and it was hilarious.

4. What is your favorite TV show? House

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? An Egg McMuffin

6. What is your middle name? Jesus. (Every time my dad was mad at me he'd say, "Judith, Jesus!")

7. What food do you dislike? Lentils

8. What is your favorite CD? Paul Simon's "Graceland"

9. What kind of car do you drive? Pontiac Grand Am

10. Favorite sandwich? Fried Egg

11. What characteristics do you despise? Arrogance and (conversely, I suppose) helplessness

12. Favorite item of clothing? My jeans.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world for a vacation, where would you go? All over Europe and the UK.

14. What color is your bathroom? Yellow

15. Favorite brand of clothing? If it fits, it's my favorite.

16. Where would you retire? England

17. Favorite movie? Casablanca

18. Favorite Sport to watch? Women's gymnastics

19. Furthest place you are sending this? Wherever the web reaches

20. Who do you expect to send this back to you? It doesn't matter.

21. Person you expect to send it back first? Ditto

22. Favorite saying? "The question you never ask always has an answer of No."

23. When is your birthday? In June.

24. Are you a morning person or a night person? I'm an afternoon-evening person.

25. What is your shoe size? On a good day, 9-1/2 wide.

26. Pets? Charka, Scratch, Nip, and Tuck.

27. What did you want to be when you were little? Happy.

28. What are you today? Happy.

29. What is your favorite candy? Starburst (original)

30. What is your favorite flower? All of them.

31. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Hallowe'en!

32. Who would you most like to meet, either living or dead? Jane Austen

33. What are you listening to right now? The rattle of the heating / AC unit in my office.

34. What was the last thing you ate? Poptarts.

36. Do you believe in Angels? Yes. In fact, I'm so busy that I have a rotating shift of three to look after me.

37. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Whatever freakin' color I need at the moment.

38. What is your pet peeve? I have several, including political slander (instead of talking about real issues), slow drivers, and being late.

39. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My wonderful friend Lorna.

41. Favorite soft drink? Diet Pepsi.

42. Favorite restaurant? Alas, it is no more, but my favorite was and probably will be the Nebraska Beef Company.

43. Hair Color? Unsettled. Sort of blonde, sort of brown, and bits of grey creeping in.

44. Siblings? JeanJodieMarcyKathyMaryBudDeniseJamesShari

45. Favorite day of the year? Christmas

46. What was your favorite toy as a child? A doll

47. Summer or Winter? Autumn.

48. Hugs or kisses? Screw that, I want torrid sex!

49. Chocolate or Vanilla? And caramel with pecans and raspberries.

50. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Nope.

51. When was the last time you cried? Monday.

52. What is under your bed? Carpet and dust.

53. Who is the friend you've had longest? Debra in Canada. We've been penpals since 1973.

54. What did you do last night? Knit, watched television, knit, watched television, played on the computer, read, slept.

55. Favorite smell? Whatever my husband is cooking.

56. What are you afraid of? Nuclear holocaust

57. How many keys on your key ring? two

58. How many years at your current job? More than 5

59. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

60. How many towns have you lived in? five.

61. Do you make friends easily? Yep.

Time for something silly

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only and they must be made from bee's wax and preblessed by a Bishop totally in communion with Rome at the time of the blessing.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

Church of God: Might be changed next year if light bulbs are included in next year's budget, included in next year's goals, and the church board has a vision that they even need light bulbs.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unity: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Unitarian: Undetermined. "Our only dogmatic belief is that we are all free to disagree. In Unitarianism the significance of change takes precedence over the both the light bulb and the number of congregates needed to implement its change. We are currently accepting poems and meditations dealing with this subject to be published in an anthology to be used at our annual meeting of Unitarian ministers and those who fail to see a need for them."

United Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb,or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans (Missouri Synod): None. We don't believe in change.

Lutherans (all others): We agree with the Roman Catholic statement but lovingly suggest ecumenical discussions concerning the status of the bishop.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Jehovah's Witnesses: None. The lights are on but no one's home.

BONUS:

How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Californians can't afford the electricity.

How many aging hippies does it take to change a lightbulb? Wow, man, like, I can't do this counting thing, but the experience is, like, way out there, you know?

How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Lightbulbs are a hardware problem.

Ooops! It was October 4th!

"next to of course god america i
love you land of the pilgrims' and so forth oh
say can you see by the dawn's early my
country 'tis of centuries come and go
and are no more what of it we should worry
in every language even deafanddumb
thy sons acclaim your glorious name by gorry
by jingo by gee by gosh by gum
why talk of beauty what could be more beaut-
iful than these heroic happy dead
who rushed like lions to the roaring slaughter
they did not stop to think they died instead
then shall the voice of liberty be mute?"

He spoke. And drank rapidly a glass of water

-- e. e. cummings

Seriously. I heard it announced on the radio that today was National Poetry Day, but the official web site states that it was October 4th. Of course, that's a UK web site, but, really, shouldn't the land of the Bard be the one that determines the date? Anyway, I posted a real poem above, one of my favorites (considering all of the patriotic blather I'm subjected to).

I'd heard it was National Poetry Day

Here goes . . .

Roses are red;
Violets are blue.
Not all poetry
Has to rhyme.


I don't know where I picked up that bit of doggerel, but I love it!

My Dream Home

Your home is a Magic Muse's Stronghold Your master bedroom has a bedside table with a pad for writing down late-night inspirations. Your home also includes a gallery of your favorite works -- the originals, of course. And, you have a pet -- a cat named "Vincent". Below is a snippet of the blueprints:

Find YOUR Dream House!

Five Things I am Thankful For (3)

Today I am thankful for . . .

1. Remembering to use the "numbered list" function of my blog. Better coding, better formatting, and less frustration.
2. Cool weather. A cold front came through last night. It brought some rain, but now it is sunny and perfect for walking.
3. Living in this area where the air is clear and sky is wide open.
4. The Old Chapel in Ivinghoe, Buckinghamshire (UK), and all of its denizens who share laughs with me on a regular basis.
5. An easy day when I can remember good friends and enjoy the outdoors.

Five Things I am Thankful For (2)

Sorry, but i got very busy this past weekend. Here are five more things:

1. Charka dog, especially in the morning. She is usually stretched out on the floor in the livingroom when I get up. As soon as she sees me her tail starts wagging and her eyes light up. I go to pet her and she rolls over on her side so that I can get her belly (along with scratching her nose and ears).

2. Cool mornings. The weather has been pleasantly cool in the mornings, and the air has been fragrant with grass cuttings, moist earth, and various natural scents of wood and herbs and whatever else is growing, blooming, or dying this time of year.

3. PBS. I watched the first installment of the latest Ken Burns documentary, "The War," last night. It's done very well. A lot of my other favorite programs (Waking the Dead, Silent Witness, Inspector Lynley Mysteries, Waiting for God, etc.) are on PBS.

4. BBC television. They make most of my favorite programs on PBS!

5. My husband, Ed. ('nuff said)

Five Things I am Thankful For (First Post)

This is the first entry of what I hope will be many. It's an exercise for my mind. I should be adding to it every day. Here goes. . .

1. The Bulletin Bloopers (see below) that my friend Richard sent to me. They make me laugh.
2. My friend Richard. He makes me laugh. He also gets me out for a walk.
3. My friend Amy. She laughs at these with me. Pretty soon we're crying because we're laughing so hard.
4. Email. It makes it possible to share silliness.
5. Trish. She gave me great insight today (again!).

Bulletin Bloopers

My favorites are 6, 8, 17, and 25. :)

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

19. Our next song is "Angles We Have Heard Get High."

20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Old, Fat Gal and the Hypertension Blues

I've been monitoring my blood pressure and it hasn't been good. My doctor has tried to comfort me by reminding me that this is likely genetic and that I'd still have it even if I were at an ideal weight.

My current goal is to drink at least 32 oz of water per day (it's a staring point) and to remember to breathe.

I think it would feel a lot better to beat the crap out of some people and then p*ss on them, but I beleive that would end up being counter-productive.

I'll see my doctor soon and start the great trial-and-error with the anti-hypertensive meds. I shall attempt to remain calm by meditating on the question, "Just WTF is the Manley Pants Project?"

The Great Galveston Getaway!

It was a whirlwind of a week! It started on Tuesday with me feeling sick and trying to figure out how I would get myself well in order to leave on Thursday. In the middle we had scorching heat and sweltering humidity, but we also had a lot of fun. It ended up with delays on the flight home due to thunderstorms in Omaha.

Read on . . .

Tuesday and Wednesay, August 7 - 8

On Tuesday I left work around noon because I wasn’t feeling well. Short version: I ended up in a local E.R. with an outrageous migraine. Although my blood pressure had spiked to 210 over 100-something, they did a CT scan of my head and said everything was normal. (Are they sure that was my head they were looking at?) I was told to rest. I went home and slept.

On Wednesday I took time off from both of my jobs and puttered around. I had a massage in the afternoon. And then, feeling fully relaxed and in control of my life, I got out the sewing machine and made a last-minute fix to the dress I’d be wearing to my nephew’s wedding. (It was really an easy fix, but, good grief!) Then the pet-sitter pooped out on us – missed her appointment to meet with us and wasn’t answering her phone. In the end, a great neighbor from across the street stepped in at the last minute to handle the dog and cats while we were away.